Coping with the Fires - Jenna Druck Foundation
“Tips” for Helping Yourself and Your Kids Cope with The Fires
Dr. Ken Druck, Author, “How To Talk To Your Kids…” and Founder, The Jenna Druck Foundation
Most all San Diegans are in a state of shock about the danger, threat and loss in our community. For the past few days we have literally been under siege with wild fires. With reports of “zero containment,” the fires have been raging out of control. Both children and adults may be feeling out of control in the face of this disaster. While adults have experience to draw from and can put things into perspective, children often find themselves defenseless against fear and anxiety.
Hundreds of thousands of San Diego families have had to pack up our lives, move out of our homes with our pets and find refuge in unfamiliar surroundings. Hundreds of our neighbors have watched helplessly as their homes burned to the ground, a loss that none of us can imagine unless we have experienced it. Government officials, service organizations and professionals across San Diego, California and the nation have mobilized as never before to save the lives and homes of people in our community.
The past few days have been stressful and exhausting, not to mention frightening to adults. We are all doing our best to remain alert, stay calm and make good decisions about what is best for ourselves, our families and our community. A tragedy like this is emotionally unsettling, if not traumatic. All of us have been affected, physically and psychologically, some more than others. If you don’t feel like yourself today and/or over the next several days and weeks, you will not be alone. Feeling sad, tearful, frightened, angry, confused, helpless, disoriented, frustrated and/or numb is normal for this kind of terrifying situation. These emotions are also very common in children and there are a number of things, listed below, that we can do to help them cope.
Many among us are also experiencing a state of shock. This means we are both overwhelmed by, and in denial about, what is happening. This is also normal. In time, the shock will begin to wear off and the reality of our respective situations will set in. This is a very challenging time for us all emotionally speaking, and we need to take especially good care of our too often neglected minds and hearts. We also need to help address the needs of our children by providing comfort and assurance, keeping to their daily routines and creating “kid-friendly” opportunities for them to say what they are feeling through art, play or open conversation.
Here are a few things to consider in helping you and your kids cope with the fires and take care of your family’s mental health. Keeping these “tips” in mind will help us all best handle what has happened and what may be ahead:
Tips for Psychological Self-Help in Emergencies
There are many things we can do to help ourselves and our children in times of disaster. Helping yourself first is often the best thing you can do to be there for your children. Get your feelings out with your peers, get yourself together and then go be with your kids. Listen carefully and get a read on what they are feeling. Encourage their questions, resist quick fix answers and make it safe for them to tell you about what they are experiencing. When you respond to them, keep it simple and do your best to comfort them without resorting to false reassurances and promises. Tell them disasters are rare and unlikely but do happen once in a while.
Remember to take their age into consideration. Very young pre-schoolers cannot grasp things that Elementary or Jr. High students can. Teenagers may modulate their emotions by going into denial, acting out, getting lost in their friends and self- medicating with alcohol, drugs and/or video games. Lastly, it’s not only OK to say “I don’t know” to a child, it can be a comfort to them when you speak with honesty and ease about things you do not know. They learn to cope with uncertainty by watching you. If you sense that a child is in serious distress and may need professional help, ask for an assessment by a qualified child psychologist to determine their need.
In addition…
1) Focus on What is Being (and can be) Done
Take assurance in knowing that there are literally thousands of emergency workers doing everything humanly possible to help us get through this catastrophe with minimal loss of life and property. Explain this to your children, citing specific examples. Show them a map if that helps. Take the opportunity to explain that we cannot always control the forces of nature, just like during Hurricane Katrina, but that we are doing everything in our power to keep them safe.
Do your best to stay calm and contain your fear. The threat and actual destruction of the fires are stirring up uncomfortable emotions in all of us, especially feelings of fear, helplessness and loss. Acknowledge these feelings and do your best to contain them. Take a deep breath, calm yourself and take concrete steps to stay safe.
If there is a family pet with you, encourage your children to help care for and comfort them. Kids often reveal the scared and confused feelings they are having by projecting them onto their dog or cat. Talking about how the family pet is scared in an unfamiliar place may help you better understand how they are feeling about being away from home and not knowing what is happening. Show your child how to calm their pet by holding them, telling them they are “OK” and reassuring them that you will be there if they need you. Addressing their pet’s fears can help your child express their own feelings and feel competent in a situation that would otherwise leave them feeling helpless.
2) Make a Safety Plan
Listen to what the authorities are advising and make a safety plan for yourself and your family if you have not done so already. Having a good escape plan and an alternative living situation mind should bring back a sense of security and provide emotional relief.
The threat is very real! Please do not gamble with your safety. Do not wait until the last minute to pack up your valuables and leave. Nothing is more precious than human life. This is an opportunity to be a good example to your children and help them feel safer.
3) Maintain a Healthy Perspective
Material losses are horrible, especially when they involve our homes and irreplaceable possessions. Anybody who has not been through this cannot imagine what it is like. Grief is a natural, normal response to loss and we must allow ourselves to grieve. In the midst of these understandable feelings, however, it is important to remind ourselves that the lives of our family members and friends have been spared.
4) Stay Tuned and Take “Stress Breaks”
Stay tuned to TV, radio and computer information but take stress breaks. Make sure your children are doing the same. Walk away from the TV, take a deep breath, clear your head, play a board game, put on calming music, watch a video and “come up for air” every so often. Too many video replays of burning houses can put us on emotional overload and can be depleting and exhausting. Pace yourself. Substitute letter writing, story telling and play activities for TV news.
5) Talk to Trusted Others
Venting our feelings (including a good cry) with friends, family members and professional counselors, and doing reality checks with emergency services, like 211, will help you re-balance your emotions, make good decisions and feel assured you are doing your best to insure safety. Get the emotional support you need to get through this, and offer it to your kids and others when possible.
6) Contact Close Family and Friends
A reassuring message (preferably via e mail) to family, close friends and your fellow workers may not only prevent a lot of unnecessary worry and fear on their part, it may give you an opportunity to vent and to find out how much people really care about you.
7) Help Others in Need
Sometimes, helping others is the best way to help ourselves. We can do this by being good neighbors, sharing information and resources, coordinating our efforts to stay safe and saying a kind word wherever possible. Many who have been displaced from their homes are experiencing a level of generosity and sharing of resources that is unprecedented in San Diego’s history. Our community’s generosity of heart has opened wide. Most of all, be patient and compassionate with those who are hurting.
Be a Good Citizen
Limiting cell phone activity and conserving water, electricity and gas, is supporting our community’s efforts to contain this emergency. In addition to staying off our cell phones and highways, and conserving resources, volunteer to help out where you can. Another great opportunity to demonstrate good citizenship to your children.
9) Stay Alert and Respectful.
Some of us are feeling a sense of relief as we learn some of our houses and neighborhoods have been spared. Yet many of us are still living hour to hour under the threat of loss, doing what we can to stay alert and safe, salvage our valuables and get out of harms way.
San Diego Mayor Sanders, Supervisor Roberts, The San Diego Fire Department, Police and Sheriff’s Departments, Red Cross, the military, local media, humanitarian and emergency service workers and thousands of good citizens are doing everything in their power to contain the threat and begin to address the needs hundreds of thousands of displaced San Diegans. Let’s please remain patient, compassionate, respectful, sensitive and supportive of those whose lives and homes are threatened or have been lost.
Go to http://www.howtotalktoyourkids.com/ for further information on helping children through a crisis and to order copies of Dr. Ken Druck’s book, “How To Talk To Your Kids About School Violence.”
Contact Dr. Druck at The Jenna Druck Foundation, (619) 294-8000 or visit www.jennadruck.org for more information on their Families Helping Families Program
